I put Josh in charge of the details, since this adventure was to be my 30th birthday present. Josh eventually got around to reading reviews and selected a skydiving company. The date was set, plans were made, and we were ready.

Except that the adventure didn't go quite as smoothly as anticipated. Well, not for my little brother anyways...

Me and Buddy, my tandem guru

You see, only I had the experience of a lifetime. I was paired with a  skydiving veteran, he'd been jumping for twenty-something years.  Speaking of twenty-somethings, Josh's guy was maybe 22 and had been jumping approximately 300 days. I was meticulously strapped and re-strapped into my harness. Josh, on the other hand, had his gear on in 3 minutes flat and then moseyed over to my side of the hanger to discuss our growing nervousness. I was carefully fitted for goggles, they were strapped on and then re-checked before walking to the plane. Josh never saw his goggles, they were clipped over his left shoulder without ever testing their durability. Already, one can see the stark differences in the preparation process. Don't worry, things only got worse for little Joshy Washy.

The day we chose to skydive was pristine, blue skies and a lovely temperature.  There were about seven other jumpers that day, plus Josh and me and our tandems.  While waiting to climb into a completely stripped down Beechcraft King Air, I overheard some of the instructors discussing a horrific skydiving attempt.  Later I looked up that video, and all I can say is that I'm thankful this popular meme hadn't come across my desk before I decided to skydive!

Since the bare-boned plane was at full capacity, Josh and his tandem were sitting on a higher platform than the rest of the jumpers (the area that should have been home to a co-pilot chair). In order for both he and his tandem instructor to fit, Josh was man-handled into his instructor's lap.  Yep, his instructor promptly hoisted Josh into his lap--- all six foot two, 200 pounds of my brother was heaved squarely onto another man's lap. Josh's face hinted of a prison movie. At this point, things started to get interesting.

The next inconvenience Josh faced was literal. As he waddled up to the plane's open door, preparing to thrust himself forward, he was greeted by a cameraman nearly 4 inches from his bearded face. Now would be a good time to let you all know that Josh and I did not purchase the video package.  Neither of us wanted footage of our cheeks flapping in the wind at 120mph.  Thus, the cameraman was an unwelcome surprise.  Josh spent all 60 seconds of his free fall:

1. fake-smiling at a camera guy
2. clutching his lace-less sneakers to his feet (in order not to lose his favorite pair of tennis shoes)
3. and trying to figure out where the whistling sound was coming from. [It took Josh approx 45 seconds to realize that I was not whistling for his attention, since it would be impossible for him to hear me make a sound at that speed. No, the whistling sound came from his faulty goggles. Just another mishap experienced by Josh alone.]  

When I jumped from the plane, there was no cameraman.  I could feel the rush of free falling without social pressure to laugh or smile. Oh and my goggles performed infallibly, in case you were wondering.

The next mishap is the best, if you enjoy awkward moments the way I do!
When you free fall, your job is to arch your head, back, and feet so that your body makes a U-shape in the air (as you see pictured here). This helps stabilize you and your tandem instructor as you hurl towards the ground below. The instructor's body mirrors yours, until he or she pulls the rip cord...... but not in Josh's case. Nope, for some reason Josh's instructor decided to straddle him while free falling at speeds of 100+

If I could have seen Josh's face, I'm sure it would've been an escalation of the aforementioned prison-movie concern. This move was full-fledged creepy and there wasn't a thing Josh could do about it. Note, that my instructor never mounted me during the free fall, he kept his body in a perfectly executed U-shape until the parachute naturally uprighted us both.

Josh and his tandem instructor, Jonathan

As soon as he was able to communicate with his instructor (chit-chat of any kind is impossible during the free fall period), Josh told him that the harness was cutting into his femoral artery.  The fella paused and then replied, "Uhhh, yeah. That's something a lot of people say. It just feels that way because the harness is pulling upward on your body."  Josh politely explained that he served as a United States Navy corpman (AKA medic) for six years and damn well knew the difference between a tight strap and dangerously decreased circulation in major arteries.  To which his instructor said, "Well, the harness isn't really adjustable while we're in the air."
Great. Just great.

While this was going on, my instructor released the toggles and let me control our chute. I was having a blast steering our parachute--- left, then right, then in 360 degree circles.  It was incredible! No wonder people get addicted to skydiving, the free falling coupled with the skill of manipulating and landing the chute is a lot of fun!

Josh wouldn't touch the toggles and steer his parachute, his pain was too intense.  The only thing he asked was that his instructor quickly land them.  This did not happen.  Josh experienced the same amount of flight time as me. He did, however, have the added bonus of landing uncertainty.... his instructor told him they could do a running land or a seated land but never actually told Josh whether he should prepare his body for a run or sit position.  At least the unskilled awkwardness provided by his tandem instructor was consistent.


I share this story only to share a laugh, as Josh and I did on our drive home that morning.  Neither of us have any regrets about the experience.  The fact that everything went right for me was splendid. And the fact that nearly everything went wrong for Josh just makes the experience more hilarious and memorable.