It's nearly 5am and I haven't slept a wink tonight. Normally I'd complain about another bout of insomnia, but I'm so introspectively charged that I'm actually delighting in this sleeplessness.

I spent about 2 hours of my night flipping through an old journal-- a simply bound tablet with an inspiring quote on the cover. I simultaneously hate and love getting to do this. I hate it because I see that I'm still the same stupid, imperfect person I was 2 years ago (or 15 years ago, for that matter). Caedmon's Call sang it best, "the things that plagued me then are plaguing me still." In other words, my journal is filled with true stories reflecting my many flaws.

On the other hand, though, I simply adore flipping through old journals. I like seeing the moments in time when I thought clearly about a situation or wrote something sincere about a friend. For example, I came across a paragraph where I was praying for an old friend:

[God], spread wide her timid and guarded heart. That it might live more openly, thoroughly, richly, and beautifully. If You teach her heart to be open... I know pain will occur. Betrayal will happen. But open her heart anyways. And heal over the broken places, now and in the future.

What's neat is: I see a present God in both responses.
I hate reviewing my journal because I'm not a perfect person, but God loves me in the midst of my humanity. He walks with me, empowering me and shaping me into His image.
I love reviewing my journal because I see places where Christ has done something beautiful in this world. The friend that I was praying for, she did eventually open her heart. And it was a beautiful thing for her to do. Yes, in the end, there was pain (and betrayal to an extent), but God is healing that brokenness. As He always does.

So on this sleepless night, I rejoice over years and years of journal entries that point to an ever-present God in this broken, but beautiful, world.