I am the home of a hostile heaviness. I carry such weight in my heart. I host a bitter emptiness. I am fine in one moment and the next hot tears are rolling down my cheeks and my lips are quivering… fighting back the emotion.

I have never in my life wanted to be home more than I do in this moment. Right here, right now… I am utterly overwhelmed by this desire. I just want to be home. I long to be with those who know me. In a place that is filled with memories, to-do lists, hopes, and a sea of faces that I take for granted.

My eerie heaviness shocks even me. For I have travelled over many oceans. I have gone months without seeing my parents, my siblings, or my dearest friends. I have gone to new places and not known another person. Yet, none of those seasons compare to this. All of that was somehow easier.

I expect time, coupled with all of my adventurous life experience, to make me braver. It hasn’t. I am not courageous, that word is for someone very unlike me. I am weak and small… and without the familiar smile of a loving friend.

I feel guilty because I do not feel brave. I am commanded to be such. I am designed, by my Abba Father, to deny fear and discouragement a place in my heart. Yet, I feel so helpless from those ravaging emotions.

I know the Lord is with me because when I feel at my very lowest, a subtle calm creeps back into my spirit. I recognize that I have not been abandoned by my first and truest love. When will I allow Him alone to satisfy? Why can’t I ache for my eternal home in the same way that I weep to see my silly old room and that annoying cat?

But how can I long deeply for that which is a mystery to me still? And should I be guilt-laden because I am deeply loved in another city?

I have no hopeful conclusions tonight, even though I sense expectation lingering in each new day’s sunrise. The only honest thing I have tonight is an inhumane heaviness which rules my heart and tear ducts.

-------------------------------------
The Worst Is My Being Alone by Don Chaffer
“Aaron have you ever had, a burning in your chest that made you want to just be free?”
It was a warm afternoon, when she asked him this, as they sat on the shore by the sea. Aaron just tugged at his hair, and he took a very long time to reply. At the time when he spoke, she’d forgotten she’d asked; she was lost in the clouds of the sky.

He said, “Kelly I don’t think, I’ve ever wanted as much to be free as I’ve longed to be known. And of the things that I hate as I look at my life, the worst is my being alone. The worst is my being alone.”

The rest of his words were kept from her ears, cause he thought she might not understand. She didn’t reply; she couldn’t figure out how. Cause the fire in her heart had been fanned. Of all the things known he could have spoken that day; he chose one from deep down inside. Without intending her too, he caused her to confess her false confidence and how she had lied.

She said, “Aaron I don’t think I’ve ever wanted as much to be free as I’ve longed to be known. And of the things that I hate, when I look at my life the worst is my being alone. The worst is my being alone.”

As they headed home neither of them could speak, and they held their own spirits to blame. And at the pulse of the wave, they both turned around and someone was calling their name. Someone was calling their name.

[Emphasis added]