The Heartache Series: Find Your Peace
I'm no longer crying everyday. Which sounds pathetic, but it's actually a victory for me. I feel like I've turned a corner, though I'm sure there are more turns ahead.
Here's what happened...
I realized that I'd become my own worst enemy.
I kept wanting things to go back to the way they were-- wanting him to tell me his stories, make me laugh, curl up for a movie, and do all the little things we did before. I kept hoping he'd decide he couldn't live without me and then do everything possible to pursue my heart. What I'm saying is... I kept hoping.
This hope I carried was tormenting, conflicting, and confusing.
So, I decided the best way for me to lay it to rest was to have a conversation with my recent love. To see if he carried such hopes or to hear him communicate with finality.
This hope I carried was tormenting, conflicting, and confusing.
So, I decided the best way for me to lay it to rest was to have a conversation with my recent love. To see if he carried such hopes or to hear him communicate with finality.
We talked a few days ago. And the whole episode has helped me turn a corner. First, talking with him was easy. I expected it would be forced and awkward. It wasn't. I felt like my friend was still alive and well, beyond all the heart break. And that was beautiful, while it lasted.
Second, as we talked, he shared that this decision is best. It's best for him, best for me, and best for us. You know what? He is right. And I know's he's right because he hasn't spent the past few weeks tormenting himself. Instead, he's remained clear-headed... and that helps me.
Second, as we talked, he shared that this decision is best. It's best for him, best for me, and best for us. You know what? He is right. And I know's he's right because he hasn't spent the past few weeks tormenting himself. Instead, he's remained clear-headed... and that helps me.
Now, of course, I didn't enjoy all that he shared. I didn't like the parts where he explained why we aren't a sublime match-- because it hurts my feelings and makes me question why we ever used the word love (if we're as imperfect as he stated). But on the whole, his words helped me see more clearly. Helped me leave hope behind and focus on the truth.
The truth is...
- He isn't my future husband. I am not his future wife.
- He has some stuff he's got to conquer in his own life. He's got to love himself well before he can love another person fully.
- The day-to-day conversations matter. Sometimes it's these little chats that determine "chemistry" or whether two people "click." Chats should be interesting and easy for both romantic partners.
- I want to be with a man who loves Jesus with his whole heart.
- 25 and 30 are different. I'm nearly thirty. And the 25-year-old version of me thought the whole world lay ahead. More specifically, I believed there'd be plenty of time to figure out love and settle on a fish-in-the-sea. (I no longer see things this way. Now I believe that only love, and how we love, matters. All else in life is filler.)
It was a good conversation. It was brimming with warmth and truth.
And I have found peace because of it.
I am renewed. I know that I loved a man who loved me back... at least in the way he could. And maybe that's why we kept trying to make it work for as long as we did.
I am clearer. I daily choose not to hope for him to show up at my door (in a grand gesture of sorts). I choose instead to deal with my heartache, feelings of loss, and I leave hope to other topics.
I am grateful. Grateful for the past year and a half. Grateful that I learned how to love someone wholly, faults and all. Grateful I practiced vulnerability. Grateful for the friendship we had.
And I have found peace because of it.
I am renewed. I know that I loved a man who loved me back... at least in the way he could. And maybe that's why we kept trying to make it work for as long as we did.
I am clearer. I daily choose not to hope for him to show up at my door (in a grand gesture of sorts). I choose instead to deal with my heartache, feelings of loss, and I leave hope to other topics.
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